Adequate French

So yes, Adequate French. 

I honestly have been trying to learn French.  I can even say "Sit down", "Eat your dinner" and "No, do it now", all of which I feel are going to be very useful when I have to look after a mad French child. 
I spoke to my English au pair agency the other day because to be honest I was panicking about why no one had contacted me yet and that maybe I'd sent everything to the wrong address or they're taken one look and said "Ha ha ha no.". Or something.  And she said that she would get onto the French agency and remind her to call me for an interview.  During the course of this conversation she mentioned "Oh, Delphine will probably give your French a little test during the interview as well."
"Excellent." I replied. 
"Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!!" I said as soon as I got off the phone.

I have very little faith in my own ability to do ANYTHING.  This includes but is not limited to:
*Sending a fax
*Cooking a meal
*Correctly dialing a phone number which is written down in front of me
So really, when it comes to having a conversation, with a grown-up, who is interviewing me, in A FORIEGN LANGUAGE, there is no way it can go but badly.  I am bad enough at speaking coherent ENGLISH in this kind of situation

Oh, other people may tell me I'll be fine.  They may point out my ability to ask where the toilets are, tell a taxi driver to keep the change or to call somebody a whore.  This makes no difference.  I am going to forget all the French I know and accidentally call French Au Pair Lady Delphine a 'putain'.

SO.  As well as listening to Paul Noble explaining how if a word ends in 'ic' or 'ical' to just change the end to 'ique' (apparently, therefore giving me 2000 words in French in one fell swoop), I have been trying to read Harry Potter en Francais.  I say trying.  I don't know if it's working or not because I pretty much know the story back to front anyway so it might just be that my brain is reading the English version stored in my head while making me feel better by telling me I understand the French.
...Stupid brain.

Anyway apparently this approach worked for Chic Marjorie, my cousin's French girlfriend, when she was trying to learn English.

She hasn't called yet anyway. Fuck fuck fuckety fuck.
I wish she would call.
Although that's unlikely at 8:13pm on a Saturday night.
It's worse than waiting for a lad to call.
The tease.  She is waving Paris in front of me and then snatching it away.

OH GODDDDD.  I am totally unsuitable to look after small children.  I am strange and mad and obsessive and drunken and should sit in a corner doing crochet until I'm old and grey and sensible.